Sexual Character: Strengths

As Christians, we are accustomed to thinking in terms of values and beliefs, but not in terms of our skills. Think of the skill of throwing a baseball. The child watches parents and siblings throw, attempts to throw by trial and error, receives instruction from parents on how to do it better, and is praised (or corrected) by parents as he or she progresses. Many of the characteristics we assume to be permanent, inborn traits are actually learned skills. Skills in listening or expressing care, for example, are developed in the same way.

In the opening example in this chapter, Emma needs problem-solving skills to be able to think of  options of what to do on the bus, decide from among those options, and act out the chosen option. If she can think of only two alternatives—to let her boyfriend do anything he wants or, at the other extreme, scream for help—her choices are impoverished. She has many more options than those. She needs decision-making skills; if she has trouble choosing between alternatives, she will be paralyzed. She needs social skills; she must be able to act on her choices. If she has never forcefully told another, “You will not touch me, and if you persist, there will be consequences,” then the very newness of such an action may make her unlikely to do it. The same holds for Christian boys, who equally need strong skills to handle sexual challenges and become godly adults.

Encourage such skills in your kids. Skills have thinking and acting components; most skills are a combination of both. Here are some examples of important skills:

Empathy

Empathy is a necessary ingredient in developing good friendships and healthy romantic relationships. We teach empathy as we empathize with our children. We also can help a child learn empathy by framing situations in empathetic ways—for example, asking him to consider how his friend felt when he took her favorite toy away without asking. Empathy also helps the child to understand consequences of sexual behavior better: The child who understands the crushing burden of an unwanted teen pregnancy or the grief of a friend who finds out she is infertile because of an STI is going to have lower risk for sexual irresponsibility.

Interpersonal Strength or Assertiveness

Jesus had the strength to do what his Father called him to do. He condemned hypocritical Pharisees, cleansed the temple, exhorted and rebuked his disciples, and fearlessly proclaimed the Good News. Strength submitted to God’s use and under God’s control is a great virtue. We need to praise our children for speaking their minds appropriately, asking questions, and exercising their strength as God desires, especially in preserving their purity.

Self-Control

Children need to become less and less dependent upon external constraints, rules, and guides and more dependent upon a faith-based internal code of conduct.

Delay of Gratification

Children need to learn that greater joy often comes through sacrificing immediate gratification of a desire to obtain something much better later. Parents can teach this in many ways; one helpful approach is working with a child in how he or she handles money.

Relationship Skills

As we actively engage with our children, they can learn to be good conversationalists and good listeners. We can teach them how to praise others honestly. We can teach them how to share their opinions in ways that respect others but also communicate confidence in themselves. We can teach them to be kind.

Problem-Solving and Decision-Making

We can help our children to accurately understand the nature of the problems they confront, to generate alternative views of the problem, to brainstorm all possible solutions, and to evaluate the feasibility and possible outcomes of different responses.

Some content taken from HOW AND WHEN TO TELL YOUR KIDS ABOUT SEX, by Stan and Brenna Jones. Copyright © 1993, 2007, 2019. Used by permission of NavPress. All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. To purchase books in the GOD’S DESIGN FOR SEX book series, go to https://www.navpress.com.